chandler collins: On Direction
I’ve been having a difficult time lately figuring out whether or not I’m moving in the right direction with my life. I think back to myself in seventh or eighth grade and it feels that then I had more purpose than I do now. In seventh grade, I programmed my own encryption application in Java by myself. I had only been programming for a few months at that point and simply fell in love with it. I remember I would stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning working on my website. chandlercollins.com has certainly been through quite a few iterations.
My first website, t3ch720, focused on technology and programming. I wrote articles on apple products, reviews of gadgets, and posted my predictions of what I thought the tech landscape would look like in the future. All of this from a 13 year-old, pretending to be an expert. “fake it till you make it” certainly fit me to a “T”. I lost my passion for t3ch720 after a few months and I needed a change of pace. Shortly after I founded the nexus experiment. I was terrible with naming things at this time by the way. The Nexus was similar to t3ch720 except focussed more on programming and the philosophy behind it as opposed to the consumer side of technology.
Neither of these projects lasted more than a year, yet they showed that I was capable of making something entirely my own. I could design and edit CSS, register domains, use analytics software, SEO, etc yet I never published anything of value. I simply published what I thought someone would want to read. I’ve been listening to the Fizzle podcast lately and in the first few episodes they talk about this effect. They talk about the difficulty of finding your voice and why it matters.
My early writing and website design was done by me – yet not made for me. I did not care for those subjects. While I had a passion for them, they didn’t pull me in and make me care for them. I’m not sure what subject I truly care about except for myself. As narcissistic as that sounds, what do you know more intimately than you? I think this is my latest – and hopefully last – attempt at creating something that is truly Chandler Collins.
So, in conclusion, I don’t want to leave this Earth without having left something behind. To quote Banksy, “[T]hey say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.” I understand that my flesh won’t last too long and that my name won’t last much longer, but a naïve part deep down dares me to try to last a little bit longer. Let’s see if it works.